[ cheers and applause ]

[ cheers and applause ] >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television

-- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's the best crowd right there. new york city. oh, man. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. hey. you guys, the grammy -- the grammy awards are on sunday night. the grammys. [ cheers ] i'm calling it now. best original lyrics, christina aguilera. [ laughter ] everyone's still talking about egypt, and i don't know what to think about the whole mess over there. on one hand some people say egypt will never be a democracy and on the other hand, justin bieber says "never say never." so it's like -- [ laughter ] i don't know. i'm torn. speaking of justin bieber i just heard justin's character on "csi" will be killed off in next week's episode. [ cheers and applause ]

and then the following week, the writer of that episode will be killed off by a million 12-year-old girls. it's just -- [ laughter ] ♪ it's the circle of life [ laughter ] [ sings tribal chant ] [ laughter ] listen to this. a new study found that 18% of syphilis cases are misdiagnosed. so if you're watching this show at a bar right now, there's your ice breaker. [ laughter ] "hey, you know, 18% --" [ laughter ] >> steve: "so i might be clean." >> jimmy: "you want a sip of this?" >> steve: "want a sip?" >> jimmy: "it's a mudslide." [ laughter ] did you see this? charlie sheen visited the ucla baseball team yesterday and told the players to stay off the crack and drink chocolate milk. [ laughter ]

the players were like, "dude, you've got to get off the field. we're in the middle of a game." [ laughter ] charlie sheen, everybody. this is great. thank you. i just saw this. a restaurant in london has started serving aged steaks infused with collagen. that's right. they are serving old pieces of meat infused with collagen or as bravo calls that, "the real housewives of beverly hills." [ laughter ] ♪ you guys saw it coming but still gave me the love. i appreciate that. >> steve: that's america. >> jimmy: you guys are awesome, and i love it. >> steve: yeah! >> jimmy: great crowd. [ cheers and applause ] i love it. that's the fun of it. that's the fun of the show. i'm not sure what to make of this, you guys. it is rumored that lindsay lohan and her mom dina are opening a clothing and jewelry boutique. [ laughter ] yeah. the boutique is located on the inside of lindsay lohan's overcoat. [ laughter ]

"what are you looking for? a watch?" this is interesting. there are big rumors going around that brett favre will be on next season's "dancing with the stars," which explains why today i saw him shopping for a pair of tights and a cucumber. [ audience groans ] he was at a target, i guess. >> steve: he's trying to eat healthy, right? >> jimmy: do they serve -- do they sell produce at target? >> steve: yes they do, at greatland targets, they do. >> jimmy: yeah. that's where i saw him. what target? >> steve: the super -- it's a division of target. it's like super targets. they're called greatland targets -- well, the dayton-hudson corporation in 1985 -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, no, no, no, no. no. i don't have time. i don't have time. thank you though. sorry. >> steve: "you don't want to hear about the dayton-hudson corporation? thank you very much. i will just put my portfolio away." [ laughter ] >> so finally some "jersey shore" news, you guys. [ cheers ]

>> jwoww walked the runway yesterday during a designer's fashion show. meanwhile, snooki walked the runway after she got drunk and wandered off at the airport. [ laughter ] she's fine. she's fine. [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show. give it up for the roots! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have such a great, great finish to the week tonight. one of my favorites. one of my heroes. one of the best, coolest guys in the whole wide world. he has a new movie called "just go with it" it's out today. it's super-duper funny. you love him. i love him. adam sandler is here. [ cheers and applause ] that's not all. it gets -- it gets crazier. from the great show "parks and recreation" the hilarious aziz ansari is joining us. [ cheers and applause ] plus -- and we've got some great music. he plays bass for a little band called phish.

mike gordon is here, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] [ sings bass lines ] come on, what a fun show. what a fun end to the week. we have a great show tonight. but first, the modern world is a crazy place or as my friend says -- "is a crazza plas." [ laughter ] and that's why, here at "late night," we like to celebrate those things in life that stand the test of time, the things that last, the things that are permanent. what's the most permanent thing of all? it's the permanent, aka the perm. that's right everyone. it's "late night" perm week. here we go. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ that's right. it is -- [ laughter ] "late night" perm week.

>> steve: 110. >> jimmy: yeah, he sings -- he's got some good notes there. [ light laughter ] the entire week we celebrate the most ass-kicking hairdo of all time by picking one dude per day from our studio audience and perming his hair, thus changing his life forever. we have been making the world a better place through perming all week here at "late night." take a look at what we have done. >> i'm excited to get this perm. i hope jimmy loves it. >> i have had crazy hair in my life, but i'm going to say this is going to be the craziest. >> steve could really use a perm. he's been having some trouble with the ladies lately. [ laughter ] >> i think it's going to be awesome. >> jimmy: is everyone ready to meet the new ryan? [ cheers and applause ] the brand new, freshly permed simon. [ cheers and applause ] and here he is now, come on out. ♪ this is truly a remarkable transformation right now. audience, what do you think? do you like the perm? ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: mission accomplished. what a week it's been, you guys. and it's not over yet. tonight's perm recipient is mark oates. there he is. mark is 33 years old. he's from baltimore, maryland. he's a drummer in a band and he's had quite an exciting hair day today. here, take a look. >> my name is mark. i'm from baltimore, maryland. here with my friends and i'm here to get a perm. i'm pretty excited to see how it's going to turn out. i think i'm going to look probably better with the perm. >> anything's a step up, right? >> yeah. >> pretty sure he hasn't done anything with his hair since i have met him. so i'm pretty excited to see this change. >> absolutely not. i did not think mark would ever end up with a perm. i'm interested to see how it's going to turn out.

>> well, if i don't like the perm, the plan is to probably cut it pretty short. well, i'm going to have to be at work tomorrow morning. so i'm definitely going to at least have the perm for a day. [ cheers and applause ] >> now, mark has been sequestered since he got permed, so he hasn't seen himself yet. he doesn't know what it looks like. and his friends haven't seen him either. they are here for moral support. say hello, you guys. >> hey! >> what's up? >> jimmy: you don't have to yell. i'm right here. i know you're blindfolded. [ laughter ] some of you guys have known mark for a long time. has he been known to ever perm his hair ever? >> sometimes. on occasion. >> jimmy: has he ever gotten a perm? no. >> um, no. >> no. >> jimmy: what does that mean? yeah? >> he's a weird dude. >> jimmy: he's a weird dude. what great friends. is he single? is he in search of a lady -- a lady friend?

>> it's to be determined. >> jimmy: a boyfriend? a boyfriend? a guy friend? >> pretty vague. >> jimmy: vague, okay, very good. sounds like an interesting person. [ laughter ] i can't wait to meet this guy. i'm not sure he's going to be excited about watching this. you are his friends, right? are you? okay, guys. just making sure we didn't pick random strangers. [ laughter ] we have four of mark's enemies here. all right, now don't remove the blindfolds until i tell you guys, okay? >> all right. >> jimmy: you guys, is everyone here ready to meet the new mark? [ cheers and applause ] all right. here he is before. and here he is now. mark, come on up! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: mark --

[ laughter ] mark, you -- man, you look fantastic. you look very, very stylish. very -- very now. this has been some transformation here. it really has. the facial hair department as well. yeah. >> oh, yeah! >> jimmy: they're psyched about that. friends and family, are you ready to see mark? >> yeah. >> yeah. >> jimmy: take off your blindfolds. here he is. ♪ >> oh, my god. >> that looks good. real good. >> pretty good. >> jimmy: he likes it. he thinks it looks pretty good. >> big time step up. >> keep it. >> jimmy: yeah, it's pretty good. now for the most important reveal of all. mark, are you ready to see yourself?

>> no. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i think you are. this is real good. you'll be so excited. you have not looked in the mirror since being permed. is that correct? >> no. >> jimmy: all right, here we go. turn around. take a look, left hand. ♪ [ applause ] >> oh, my gosh. >> jimmy: magic. [ applause ] it's magical. >> it is. >> jimmy: it's really magical. it's something else. >> looks like i stuck my finger in a light socket. >> jimmy: but you didn't have to. that's the good part. we saved you that trouble. guys, what do you think? >> excellent. >> jimmy: come on over you guys. you can touch his hair if you want to. >> oh, my god. >> look at this. >> jimmy: our thanks to louis licari salon for a fantastic week of perms. happy perm week, everybody! we'll be right back with thank you notes. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ anncr: one day wonder!

odwb: oh hey, saturday... dancers: d-r-e-s-s odwb: tank dresses for nine bucks... dancers: girls seven! tank dress to impress... d-r-e-s-s anncr: saturday only, at old navy!

sweetie, did you just text me that your parents are going to be moving in with us? oh don't worry, honey. i switched to sprint so i get unlimited texts. [ cellphone buzzes, snoring continues ] you just emailed me that they're taking my room? sweetheart it's ok. email and web are unlimited, too. mum, please. do you want to tweet about it? i'll help you compose a tweet -- if you'd like. [ male announcer ] sprint gives you unlimited text, web and calling to any mobile. no data caps, no worries. sprint, the now network. trouble hearing on the phone? visit sprintrelay.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

usually when i catch up with hope you have a great weekend. oh, i had a great day and all that stuff. today is friday and that's usually when i catch up with some personal stuff. i check my inbox, return some emails and of course send out thank you notes. [ cheers and applause ] i'm running a bit behind. i thought if you guys wouldn't mind, i would just like to write out my weekly thank you notes right now. is that cool with you guys? [ cheers and applause ] thank you so much. roots, can i get some thank you note writing music? oh, my goodness. ♪ [ laughter ] oh my gosh. i don't even know what to say. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, hoods, for being like hats who still live with their parents. ♪

thank you, the black eyed peas, for showing us a 20-minute preview of "tron: the musical." [ laughter ] sort of cool. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, red wine, for instantly staining my teeth, lips and tongue after just one sip. you're like the adult version of fun-dip. [ light laughter ] ♪ [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: thank you, donald rumsfeld's new book "known and unknown," which appears to be either a revealin: memoir or the new spring catalog from l.l. bean. [ light laughter ]

[ scattered applause ] ♪ [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: thank you, christina aguilera, for forgetting the lyrics to "the star spangled banner" at the super bowl. everyone knows it's, "bright stripes and bright stars so gallantly" -- well, whatever. i'd learn it if i had to. [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: what are you gonna do? it happened. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, tiny space between the stove and the kitchen counter, for being an unlucky graveyard for dust bunnies, bottle caps, uncooked spaghetti and old sponges. [ laughter and applause ] i like that space. ♪

>> jimmy: thank you, mark zuckerberg's facebook stalker pradeep manukonda, for having a last name that sounds like the first ever syfy channel porno. [ laughter ] "coming this fall 'manaconda.'" [ laughter ] ♪cc1: >> steve: "is that a snake in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"cc1: >> jimmy: "it's a snake." [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: it actually is. it actually is a snake. it actually is a snake. [ light laughter ]cc1: ♪cc1: >> jimmy: thank you, justin bieber, for wearing a disguise in a super bowl commercial that let everyone know you're a versatile actor and that in 20 years you will look like a geico caveman. [ laughter ]cc1: >> jimmy: there you have it. those are my thank you notes! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we'll be right back with adam sandler! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest is one of the biggest comedy stars in the universe. his funny new movie "just go with it" is in theaters everywhere today. please welcome back to the show one of my all-time favorites, mr. adam sandler, everybody.cc1: ♪ [ cheers and applause ]cc1: >> jimmy: the lunch lady. >> that sounded good. >> jimmy: they know the lunch lady. they've got to do it. how are you? >> love you, dude. nice to see you all. [ cheers and applause ] thanks for being here. all right.cc1: jimmy, i was talking to lorne during the perm stuff -- >> jimmy: yeah, oh.cc1: >> -- so i didn't see it all. who had the -- i saw a quick shot of the perm. is he out there still?cc1: >> jimmy: there's the guy.

>> that is unbelievable. that's so fun.cc1: >> jimmy: his name is mark. >> good job, baby. >> jimmy: what do you think? >> i think -- i think -- did you say a seth rogen thing?: >> jimmy: no, i didn't say seth rogen. >> he looks a little like seth rogen. >> jimmy: like seth rogan and like gene shalit had a baby. [ laughter ]cc1: >> that's good. >> jimmy: so, are you enjoying your time in new york? you're in the city.cc1: >> jimmy, i just wanted to tell you. i did the perm -- remember?cc1: the perm. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. >> i gotta tell you, i used to : have hair like that for real like in high school. used to bounce out real high. real big -- >> jimmy: yeah. >> -- like goofy and round.cc1: so my father had the same hair and he said, "when i was young, we used to relax our hair." so i did it. i was like a junior in high school.cc1: i bought the relaxer stuff. and i --cc1: >> jimmy: it straightens it?cc1: >> it straightens your hair out. i do it at night. you leave it in there, and it burns terribly. [ laughter ]

and then all of a sudden though, like an hour later i have the longest, straightest hair down to here. i look like rick ocasek.cc1: [ laughter ] so, i'm down to here. and i'm like "oh, my god, i look cool. i've got straight hair."cc1: i go the next day to school and everybody's like, "what happened?cc1: why is your hair --" and i was too ashamed to say i did it. i kept saying, "nothing. [ laughter ]cc1: nothing." they were like, "you didn't do anything?" i said, "no, i just combed it." >> jimmy: you stuck to your lie? >> i stuck to the lie. >> jimmy: i hate doing that. i stuck to my lie once. i remember, i lied to my grandma. do you remember sun-in? >> yes, yes.cc1: >> jimmy: my sister had sun-in, and i used it in my hair. and, my hair turned orange, you know.cc1: my grandma said, "are you dying your hair?" and i go, "no, what are you talking about? i'm not dying my hair." [ laughter ] she goes, "you're dying your hair. your hair is --" i go, "this is just -- must be the pool or something."cc1: i don't know why i stuck to that lie.cc1: i looked in the mirror, and i looked like an idiot. >> yeah. my grandmother, too, when i got out of the shower. "did you masturbate in there"? and i was like --

and i kept saying, "no. no i didn't." but she knew. she knew it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: when -- in the bathroom there? >> no, she opened the door and watched me for about 30 seconds masturbating.cc1: and i still -- i was like, "someone's in here!" but i kept moving and she's like, "you're doing it now!" [ laughter ] i go, "no, i'm not. i'm soaping up." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: she kept trying to bust you on it. >> "i see it! i see your hand moving!" [ laughter ] "no, i'm not grandma!" oh my god. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. you just saw pacino. >> i did. i saw al pacino. did anyone see that? i went to it last night. "merchant of venice" the play. >> jimmy: yeah. it's on broadway. >> it's unbelievable. did you see it? >> jimmy: no, i didn't see it yet. >> you would love it. it's unbelievable. but, the usher yelled at me several times. kept saying, "no texting, sir. no texting." and i wasn't texting. i was just googling everything he was saying. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah.

>> what does that word mean? >> jimmy: oh, i get it now. yeah, i know. >> jimmy: do you have a place here? i know, you're from -- you're from new england. but, you live in new york. >> i always lived in new york, and somehow i don't have a place. i stay at the trump hotel. >> jimmy: oh. >> nice joint. >> jimmy: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> soft sheets. very soft sheets. so i get into bed and i'm like, "this is amazing how soft the sheets are." and then they told me that donald trump breaks in the sheets for you. [ laughter ] he lays in the bed. this is not a lie. he lays in your bed for like two hours rustling around. getting it right. and i know it's true because there were three golden hairs on my pillow. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, yeah. >> i'm not kidding. >> jimmy: that's what he -- that's what he does there. i had jennifer aniston on the show yesterday. she's great in the movie, too. >> she's great on the show. >> jimmy: oh, she's so good. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and she was saying that you -- she went to her first super bowl. >> yeah, i went with her. >> jimmy: yeah, you go to the super bowl all the time. >> i go to the -- i've been to like 10. >> jimmy: really? >> and i like the jets. [ cheers and applause ]

but they are never in the super bowl. they haven't been to any. so i get to go to the greatest event, but my team's not there. so, it's very weird, you know. you don't know what to feel. it's like going to an orgy and just like, there's no one you really want to be with, so you just kind of sit in the middle and go, "hey. [ laughter ] you guys, do it! do it! have fun!" >> jimmy: "you guys have fun." >> you're doing good over there. go get her. [ laughter ] she looks happy." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: "she looks happy." [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: unbelievable. congratulations. you got a star on the hollywood walk of fame. >> that was big. >> jimmy: dude, that's awesome. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you deserve it. >> do you want one? >> jimmy: do i want one? >>you can get one? >> jimmy: can i get one? >> i guarantee. i can buy you one. it's money. you buy those. but, no. it is a cool honor. i did -- >> jimmy: amazing. >> i got the star. i got the hands and feet thing. i did that. >> jimmy: oh, in the cement.

yeah, yeah. >> a couple years ago. hands and feet. next thing i want and then you know you're the man. i want to have my head frozen like ted williams. [ light laughter ] i'm going to freeze it pretty good, but i want to leave a little spot thawed out so i can have my teeth chatter. yeah. [ light laughter ] so when -- you know, halloween for the kids they can put my head out there. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's just awful that you think that way. >> when you have kids you have to respect the children, do what's right for them. so, that's what i'm all about. >> jimmy: that's super rad. >> you know that. >> oscar season's coming up, my man. >> yeah. >> jimmy: what do you think? you liking it? >> are you breaking me the news i didn't get a nomination? [ laughter ] i really thought i was going to get it this year. me and schneider. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i like rob schneider. >> he's doing great. >> jimmy: i love that guy. >>i think he's doing his own tv show. >> jimmy: is he? >> jimmy: yeah. >> jimmy: i'd love to see that. >> yeah. >> audience member: "you can do it!" >> he can do it. [ laughter ]

>> jimmy: do people just yell that to you when you go out? they go, "you can do it!" >> they yell it more to schneider, and it's the greatest, because schneider is kind of like, "all right. i can do it. leave me alone, let me eat my steak." [ laughter ] but, i can -- yeah. the oscars this year, honestly, i was a little disappointed. not, because -- some of the nominations -- i think all of them i passed on -- i had the lead. they offered it to me, and i read the script and i said, "nah, nah, nah." they wanted me to be in "the fighter," but i'm afraid to fight. they wanted me in "black swan," but i'm afraid of swans. [ laughter ] and of course "true grit" i'm afraid of the truth, so i couldn't do that. [ laughter ] but i did -- they did really want me pretty bad for "true grit." that is a true story. for the jeff bridges part. i had a cool way to do the thing. i can show you kind of -- i was going to improvise a little bit when i did the movie. i want to show you some the moves i had. do you want to -- >> jimmy: i would love to see

you if you were in "true grit." [ cheers and applause ] >>if i was in "true grit" -- [ as john wayne ] well, i want to tell you, i know that body by jake niece that got her dad dead. i'm gonna find out who killed him. i think it was the judge. prove it. >> jimmy: oh my god. >> and i'll tell you this. i want to sit down with him and have some grits. [ laughter ] not the fake kind, the true kind. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: there you go. that's it! [ cheers and applause ] that would have been unbelievable. >> didn't happen. >> jimmy: that would have been unbelievable. you guys, more with adam sandler when we get back. we'll talk about, "just go with it." come back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cellphone vibrates ] uh, before you say anything, it was 1995. [ kenny ] it was '93. kenny, 1995 was the year the song came out. it was '93. that was your 5th year of high school. it was 1995.

ha! 10 bucks says it's '93. yeah, well that's 10 bucks you're gonna have to put in my pocket. whatever. "whoomp! there it is" was '93. it was clearly nineteen ninety... kenny, the restaurant's on fire. i'll call you back. wait, wait... [ male announcer ] in the network, at&t lets your iphone talk and surf the web at the same time. [ bell dings ] at&t lets your iphone talk and surf the web at the same time. what could possibly hold together all the natural energy found in peanuts? caramel works. payday. crunchy roasted peanuts and soft chewy caramel come together to give you sweet energy. payday. the sweet taste of energy. just because you're born of a deep-rooted family tree doesn't mean you're content to live under it. the new 2011 jeep compass. ♪ genetically engineered with jeep 4x4 capability iconic beauty, and a red-blooded attitude all its own. we followed in the tire tracks of greatness and found a whole new direction. the 2011 jeep compass.

the evolution of a legendary bloodline. ♪ ♪ suddenly, i held you in my hand ♪ ♪ pressed you to my lips ♪ you will understand ♪ when i opened my eyes... ♪ you were gone ♪ i judge you, bestowal you, behead you ♪ ♪ zat zat zat! ♪ when i opened my eyes... ♪ we were together again [ applause ] merci. try cottonelle ultra toilet paper. it's 35% thicker than the northern brand. [ carl ] love it! it's that one little switch that'll make all the difference. peanut, we're going dancing. [ female announcer ] make the ultra switch. find cottonelle ultra codes for a chance to win ultra prizes. find cottonelle ultra codes host: could switching to geico really save you 15% or more on car insurance? host: does it take two to tango? ♪

♪ anncr: geico. 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance.

i love my pet bald eagle brock, my bison sara, i love my pick-up with the custom constitution paint job... i celebrate jury duty... i love america so much, i'm making an all american jack combo two jumbo patties, with melting cheese, lettuce, tomato and pickles, plus fries and a drink for only $4.99. i've celebrated every american tradition...except one... spring break cancun yo!!!!!!!! try the all american jack and enter to win an all-american spring break for you and 10 of your friends.

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we're back with the great adam sandler. his new movie is "just go with it." [ cheers and applause ] it's out today. i've got to say, i loved the movie. everybody scores in this movie. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: nick swardson is hilarious. >> he's great. >> jimmy: jennifer aniston. can i give away some of the cameos? >> sure, sure, sure. >> jimmy: dave matthews and nicole kidman, they play a weird couple. they're fantastic. >> they are fantastic. >> jimmy: that was so good. kevin nealon.

>> yeah, yeah, right. >> jimmy: i mean, just everybody goes and just scores in this film. and his wife -- i won't ruin that cameo. that's a good joke. >> oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. good, good, good. >> jimmy: i love it. it's just so good. and, that little girl. just so cute. i love everybody in the movie. >> bailey madison. bailey madison is the little girl. >> jimmy: was she in anything else? >> she's been in "brothers" and she's been in a bunch of stuff. in fact, we were at the premiere the other night, this kid's 10 or 11. i actually never really talked to her, but -- [ laughter ] no, no, no, no. she's a cool kid. and then, at the premiere i said, "this is going to be a fun night, tonight." she said, "i have to go home. i have to shoot early in the morning. another movie." i was like, "what?" [ laughter ] you got a working actress, that kid. >> jimmy: oh man, she's so cute and so funny in the movie. >> and the boy, griffin is a good kid too. he looks like a little you kind of. >> jimmy: he does look a little bit like me. yeah. >> cute -- cute kid. jimmy fallon's rolling stone, i have it in the bathroom. read it all the time. >> jimmy: very good man. >> i really do. every time i'm there, i have jimmy with me. [ laughter ] i love it. you look great in the pictures buddy. >> jimmy: i appreciate that. thanks, buddy. we should say what the movie's

about. "just go with it." you're building up a bunch of lies. you're lying to women saying that your marriage isn't working out and then you just hook up with ladies. >> yes, yes. >> jimmy: and then it starts to get out of control. jennifer aniston gets in on the thing. >> she pretends to be my ex-wife, that i'm divorcing and is nasty to me. it's fun. it's fake fighting that turns real a lot. >> jimmy: do you ever lie to anyone for relationship things or just lie in life? >> yeah. i mean, when i went to college i had a lie going. i got -- you know you get to college and you create a fake pass for yourself. you're like, "here's my chance." >> jimmy: sure. >> you know, in high school i was beaten a lot. let me get to college and pretend i'm cool. i told this one girl i was a 6'9" african-american. okay? [ laughter ] and it worked. and it worked pretty good. and she liked me a lot. and i've got to be honest. we dated for like a month. but, i didn't know her brother went to school with me. so i work out in the gym, and i'm in the shower, and he walks in. and he sees me taking my stilts off.

>> jimmy: oh, yeah. you're not really that tall. yeah. [ laughter ] >> so i got burned. >> jimmy: you got burned. burn notice, man. >> yeah man. >> jimmy: your grandma wasn't there, was she? [ laughter ] >> by then she was encouraging it. encouraging. >> jimmy: telling you to do it. >> "just do it! be yourself! [ laughter ] don't worry. just because you're at college doesn't mean you can't please yourself. [ laughter ] enjoy it." >> jimmy: she would call you and leave you messages? >> no, no. she'd be in there with us. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you're up against two pretty -- you have justin bieber and "gnomeo & juliet." >> i will see both of those movies "gnomeo & juliet." >> jimmy: because you have kids. >> i have kids. but my kids want to go opening weekend. and you can't -- you know, i have a movie coming out on the same date. so i felt terrible. i had to tell my kids that "gnomeo &juliet" -- i was like, "you know, the gnome, i hear, kills everybody. [ laughter ] so, i don't know if it's for

you." and then this is the worst one. i said, "and the bieber kid, he gets shot and killed at the end of his." [ laughter ] so i felt terrible because i know they like him. >> jimmy: yeah. >> but it's opening weekend. you've got to do what you've got to do. >> jimmy: yeah, you've got to go see daddy's movie. >> papa's got to make some money. >> jimmy: oh, well, god, i love this so much. i can't wait to even see it again. >> that's good. >> jimmy: it's always good. it's like, a great -- another adam sandler great comedy. we have a clip of "just go with it." it's in theaters right now. here's a clip of it. >> give me fake hugs and laugh real loud like we are the happiest family on earth. is that possible? >> okay. >> laughing. [ laughter ] >> that's it. [ laughter ] i love you guys! >> hey, sweetie, what's going on? what's up? >> so, kids, i just got off the phone with your mom, and you guys are going to have plenty of time to spend with your dad tomorrow because she and i are going to have a nice long spa day. >> oh!

awesome. awesome. awesome. you guys -- [ laughter ] you guys -- i'll see you in a minute, okay. i love you. [ cheers and applause ] >> there you go. >> jimmy: "just go with it" is in theaters right now. the one and only adam sandler, everybody. you're the best. thank you so much for coming on. >> thank you. >> jimmy: aziz ansari joins us next, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ (announcer) no matter what life throws at you,

you can take the heat. 'til it turns into heartburn, you've got what it takes: zantac. it's strong, fast lasting relief. so let them turn up the heat. you can stop that heartburn cold: (sssssssss!!!) zantac. odwb: oh hey, saturday... dancers: d-r-e-s-s odwb: tank dresses for nine bucks... dancers: girls seven! tank dress to impress... d-r-e-s-s

anncr: saturday only, at old navy! sweetie, did you just text me that your parents are going to be moving in with us? oh don't worry, honey. i switched to sprint so i get unlimited texts. [ cellphone buzzes, snoring continues ] you just emailed me that they're taking my room? sweetheart it's ok. email and web are unlimited, too. mum, please. do you want to tweet about it? i'll help you compose a tweet -- if you'd like. [ male announcer ] sprint gives you unlimited text, web and calling to any mobile. no data caps, no worries. sprint, the now network. trouble hearing on the phone? visit sprintrelay.com

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back. our next guest is a very funny stand up comedian. look at the cover of "entertainment weekly" here. "tv's smartest comedy." there he is. "parks and recreation" right there. [ cheers and applause ] that's big. that's awesome. he's very funny stand up comedian and one of the stars of the popular nbc show "parks and recreation," which airs thursdays at 9:30 pm. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome aziz ansari! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how are you, my man? >> i'm very good. thank you for having me. >> jimmy: nice to see you man. i'm psyched -- i'm psyched that you're here. congrats to everybody over at "parks and rec." >> yeah. >> jimmy: this is huge. >> we're on the cover of a

magazine. >> jimmy: yes, that is giant. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and you've got rob lowe. >> rob lowe. very excited to be working with rob again. we worked together on a film years ago, you may have seen called "the outsiders." i played a little brown baby that was in the background. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i remember -- i remember -- >> i was in a couple of scenes. >> jimmy: i remember you. >> i'm right behind ponyboy a couple times. >> jimmy: i know you have been touring. you stopped shooting -- you finished shooting "parks and rec," right now, right? >> finished shooting "parks and rec" in christmas time. and i've just been touring and doing stand up, which has been a lot of fun. but, you know, people always expect these crazy tour antics. but my tour is very, very low key. a lot of, you know, green tea drinking. carrots, hummus, those kind of things. you read about like rock bands -- i just read this motley crue autobiography and you read these stories about how they're doing like heroin and cocaine every night. and doing arenas and my body just couldn't just take any of that. like even if one night i was just like, "let's do heroin!" the next it would be like, "aziz is dead." [ laughter ] yeah. he did heroin once and he died. >> jimmy: he died. yeah, you can't screw it that. >> how much heroin did he do? none. he just had a needle in his arm

and felt woozy and fell off a building. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you are -- i read about on twitter that you were in vegas for new year's eve. >> yes. i went to go see jay-z for this new year's eve concert in las vegas, which was so fun, but afterwards i had one of the most humiliating, embarrassing things in my life ever happen to me. after the show there was this after party and around 4:30 in the morning, when i'm totally out of it, jay-z gets behind the d.j. booth and is rapping along with all his songs. everyone in the audience is going crazy. it's a lot of fun. but at a certain point, he brought the music down. he started talking to the audience. he was like, "all right, everybody, really quick, just want to wish everybody a happy new year. we got a lot of special people in the building tonight. we got me, jay-z in the building. we got beyonce in the building. we got rihanna in the building." and i looked at my friend allen. i was like, "we got aziz in the building." [ laughter ] and jay-z went, "we've got aziz in the building." and i was like, "oh, man, i'm in the building. i had no idea." i have never been a part of building announcements like that. people are never excited about

me being in a building. they're like, "aziz is in the building." it's always like, "aziz is in the building? let's go to another building. [ laughter ] this one's got really low standards." [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: let's go to another building. >> yeah. he said that. and i was like, "oh, that was nice of him to do that." >> jimmy: that's cool." >> but that's when things got terrible because immediately after that he goes, "yo, aziz, come up here and tell everybody a joke." i was like, "ah, no!" [ laughter ] and he kept pushing this. and i'm totally out of it. it's 4:30 in the morning on new year's eve. and he likes, "no, come up here and tell everybody a new year's day joke." that's a really specific request! [ laughter ] a new year's day joke? when is the last time someone told you a funny new year's day joke? [ laughter ] never. so i got up there and i just eventually had to go. and i'll do my best to recreate what happened when he passed me the microphone. did this come out? >> jimmy: yeah. >> this is what happened. so -- >> jimmy: i can give you this mike. >> yeah, okay. cool. so he passed me the mike. i'm like, "um, okay. okay. yes. um. okay.

this one time this restaurant went to my house. [ laughs nervously ] that didn't happen. [ laughter ] i'm sleepy." [ laughter ] i was like, "i have been drinking since 7:00. this isn't a good idea." and i gave him back the mic and the man was not pleased. [ laughter ] he made this weird face. he like grabbed the mic and he was like -- and i felt terrible. i felt like i let him down. so i was like, "oh let me just think of something funny." and i thought of something. and i reached for the mic. he went, "no, you had your chance to be funny. and you missed it." [ laughter ] i was like, "oh no!" but you know, i get it. he's jay-z, right? he's the smoothest man of all time. he lives his life in a different way than any of us, you know? like if jay-z slipped on a banana peel he would just put his other foot on the banana peel and slide to wherever he was going. [ laughter ] "that's really convenient. i got to where i was going even faster than anticipated." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: everybody should be sliding on bananas. >> yeah, my life is the opposite. my life is just me spilling mustard on my shirt all the time. jay-z is never gonna spill mustard on his shirt.

if mustard was about to fall on jay-z's shirt, someone else would coincidentally be passing him a hot dog and the mustard would just go, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop. he'd be like, "yo, man can i get some must -- [ laughter ] i'm about to take a bite of the world's greatest --" [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: aziz ansari! "parks and recreation" airs thursday at 9:30 p.m. on nbc. mike gordon performs next. dude, you're the best. thanks, buddy. thanks for coming, man. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ wheezing breaths ]

[ woman ] the first time i smoked, i was 13. i was in a hurry to grow up and wanted to look cool. big tobacco knew it, and they preyed on me. i'm here to tell you that big tobacco hasn't changed. they continue to profit... by selling kids the same lies... to get them to use... the same deadly products. don't be big tobacco's next victim. breakfast for lunch. breakfast for dinner. with three new breakfast lovers dishes, who needs a break from breakfast? denny's. america's diner is always open.

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you know our next guest as the bass player for phish. he's here tonight to perform the song "horizon line" from his latest solo album "moss."cc1: please welcome mike gordon, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪cc1: ♪cc1:cc1:cc1:cc1:cc1:

i project myself to different places when i look at them when i look further ♪cc1: ♪ i see my old self displaced again walking on that horizon linecc1: two steps further and ♪ ♪ i fall behind any closer and i'm stuck back in my mind now you talk to me ♪ ♪ and i see myself jumping through the window i'm makin' plans but i'm walkin' on that ♪ ♪ mossy green plain now i'm walking on that

horizon linecc1: two steps further ♪ ♪ and i fall behind any closer and i'm stuck back in my mind ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ walkin' on hills of green and rolling white like a smile i'm gonna pass between ♪

♪ the endless sky all the while i'm all alone and i'm floating in the ♪ ether without you i've never shown you the sun now i'm about to ♪ i'm walking on that horizon line two steps further and i fall behind ♪ ♪ any closer and i'm stuck back in my mind walking on that horizon line walking ♪ ♪ walking on that horizon line ♪